Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My booty is sick

Sick, sick, sick. As in ill. I'm home sick as I type this, having just spoken to the advice nurse at the clinic to set up an afternoon appointment. Going on three weeks with this one. Last time it was over two months. No no no no no.

So let's go on to The Biggest Loser while I wait for my appointment, yes?

Big drama starts out this week, as the screen is black but for the words "At elimination, Jillian's team promised they would vote for Joelle.... ... they didn't."

People filter into the house. There are tears. Screams. Heh. Hey, crying loses weight people. Joelle is perhaps most stunned of all. Bob's team believes they voted to keep Joelle to drag down their team. Filipe says the game play is on. Helen says they have to take back their team. I'm cracking up.

Zoom around to the at-home players. Aubrey exercises as she watches The Biggest Loser. Laura shakes her booty at a nightclub. Sione is drowning in sweat at the gym. Dave is smoking and eating. Back at the ranch, Bob's team is in the gym. He is surprised to see Joelle. During the workouts he says he's found that change in Joelle and now he's singing her tune.

Blaine's wife is having a baby and he gets to go home. His weigh in will still count so he should curl the baby or something.

Out on a football field, Chef Curtis Stone is there to teach the players how to cook healthy Super Bowl snacks. He is very cute and very Australian. I'd vote to eat him. The players have to guess how many calories are in favorite football day snacks. The person who gets the closest to without going over gets Curtis to teach them how to cook these snacks healthy. Again, I vote for eating Curtis. He looks delicious. There is also a 2 lb pass for their partner's weigh in when they return at stake. It's chicken wings with ranch dressing and celery sticks. I think it's 800 calories. Daniel agrees with me. It's 991 calories and Dan and me win. Next is bread bowl with chili and sour cream. I guess 600 calories. Tara plays Price is Right and says 1. It's 1,165. Kristin is closest. The last one is seven layer dip. Oh lord, 3,000? Yummy Curtis gives the answer -- 1,755. Helen wins.

Dan, Kristin and Helen get a cooking lesson from tasty Curtis. Allison has the winners guess how many calories are in one serving of the chicken skewers Curtis has made. I guess 300. It's 230 and Dan wins. Ah, he also wins the 2 lb pass. Dave needs it. Curtis wings off to Dave's place. Dave answers the door in his orange t-shirt. Uh huh. Dave can't cook and he reveals he's been eating crap. I want to lick Curtis like a tootsie roll. Is he wearing eyeliner? At Wal-Mart, where there's nobody there?? they shop. Dave has never been in a produce section. Even I can't suspend this much disbelief and I tune out the rest of the session. I fantasize about Curtis instead.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bob's team has to jump on boxes. Blaine's wife has another boy. Lift that baby!

Challenge time. The players all have really cute jerseys in their team colors. I want one! Tara wants to get a hat trick in challenges. Curt Warner is today's guest star. Filipe is psyched. Curt is cute but not as lickable as Curtis. Curt believes anything is possible, but I'm still not licking him. Immunity is up for grabs. Footballs into bins. Five balls and you're out. Last one standing wins. Filipe is first out. Tara is next. There goes Dane. Dane really has a problem with being beat by a girl. It gets down to Joelle and Helen and Helen wins. Her kid is definitely coming back. More tears.

Product placement. I guess Quaker was ditched? I'd love to see Jillian do one of these. By the way, where has Jillian been this week?

Blaine is back. Aww, the baby is so cute in a Biggest Loser onesie.

Last chance workout. There's Jillian. Sort of. It looks like stock footage. Bob has on sparkly spandex. Okey dokey. Now I'm hungry. Where did I put that Curtis? Last chance for everyone to bring back their partners. Dan's going to yak. Jillian beats on him. He takes a hard hit on the treadmill. Dr. Phillian comes out. He makes it.

And we're off to weigh in. The redemption of Joelle continues. The partners return. I guess to be there in person when they find out which of their teammates didn't get it done. Dan looks a little pissed seeing Dave. I have to man the mute button to keep my dog from freaking out at the scale beeping so I'll just summarize: Helen puts up a good number. Ron's six pack of man boobs continue to frighten and they may not be back. Black has good numbers but is it enough? Jillian hawks gum in the trainer tip. It amuses me and I start to cough. Stupid cold. Filipe squeaks by to bring back Sione and there are man hugs. Tara blows her number out of the water and Laura is back. Kristin's mom checks out her ass and approves but Kristin may be eliminated. I hope Kristin gets to makeover week to fix that hair. Mandi brings Aubrey back. Jillian's beatings were not enough for Dan although he does get below 400. Brown is up for elimination. Kristin is safe and Cathy is back.

It's now Joelle's turn and she gets her own paragraph in case Carla murders her right on the scale. Joelle must lose more than eight pounds. America holds its breath. Carla is optimistic. Or happy at the prospect of killing. She could have a machete under that shirt. I can't tell. Joelle does it! She loses ten pounds. Carla thanks her. It could be for not leaving her open to a charge of murder two. Again, I can't tell. I love her earrings though. She could slit a throat with them. Joelle's triumph pushes Dan below the yellow line. There are more man hugs. I think Bob and Jillian have the same watch.

Brown son Mike talking heads. Apparently if you're older and fat you are less deserving. Ron pleads their case and takes the blame. Does he know his son would toss him to the wolves? Tears all around. Dan pleads his case. Lined up behind him is a whole lot of Extra gum. And some cough syrup. Dave chimes in but I don't think he's helping things. He doesn't want to be there and I think everyone knows it. I predict Orange will take the fall tonight.

Elimination room. I can't tell if my boobs are smaller or saggier. Should I have yogurt and a banana or chinese for lunch? Tara is pissed that Dave doesn't want to be there. She votes for Brown to torture Dave. I laugh and cough. The vote is tied (duh). It's down to Blue and Filipe. Filipe thinks Dave is an ungrateful little shit head. He sends Orange home. Poor Dan. Dave screwed him. I vote that the contestants kick Dave's ass.

In the exit interview, Dave lies his ass off. Back at home, wow, Dan looks great. He looks half his size. Dave has quit smoking and looks like he's lost maybe 40 lbs. Ass. Dan is off his diabetes meds. I'm right, Dave has lost only 46 lbs. He plans on shocking America at the finale. I bet it's by gaining weight. Dan has lost 101 lbs.

Next week, the at-home players weigh in. Mike vows to step it up. I'm off to eat something.

--the sick CilleyGirl

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Working my booty off, one day at a time

I'm feeling very virtuous since I took myself and my dogs for a hike this morning at Cilley Creek Park. It was only for an hour so with the dogs I figure it was maybe about two miles but it wasn't all flat and my blood definitely got moving. I feel lighter already.

To celebrate my healthfulness I'm going to pick up some chinese food for dinner. And some donuts. And maybe some cinnamon rolls for breakfast tomorrow before I'm even more virtuous and go play kickball. In potential snow and rain.


-the CilleyGirl

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What have you done today to make you feel petty?

And we're back with The Biggest Loser.

We start with the contestants bemoaning having to choose between Jerry and Daniel, with Jerry going home. And that choice becomes more pronounced once we check in with the at-home contestants, since Daniel's partner David is chowing down every chance he gets. Everyone else seems to be doing pretty well.

Temptation! Each person gets five minutes alone in a room with a whole lot of food. The at-home folks have already had their chance with the food. The team who consumes the most calories wins a day with their trainer and their partner at home. Everyone is excited about the idea of getting the heck off the ranch, particularly Mandi who misses her kids. One by one the contestants face temptation. Filipe holds strong. Sione, not so much as he eats about 900 calories so he can get Filipe home. Mandi downs a piece of pizza for a measly 300 or so calories. Joelle, surprisingly, doesn't eat anything. Her partner, Carla, on the other hand, eats nearly everything. She consumes more than 2,000 calories to win a day at home with Bob and Joelle. Bob is off to Detroit!

The other contestants are all pissy, saying that of everyone Mandi deserved to win. Um, why exactly? She misses her kids, BFD. Isn't one of the black team guy's wife due to pop out a baby any day now? Mandi could've eaten if she really wanted to go home. Their whining is about to push me towards supporting Joelle.

Bob is in the motor city. He and Joelle reveal the f-bomb episode, and Carla tells Joelle that she does have a tendency to push people's buttons. Joelle might be headed for a personal revelation but has she lost all chance to redeem herself with the whiners back at the ranch?

Ah, today's product placement. What do you do when you want to snack? Why, you eat Yoplait! Bob is such a yogurt whore.

Back at the ranch, Jillian administers beatings. Mandi is all verklempt. She has no idea why. I'm thinking she's had too much whine, and Dr. Phillian agrees with me, taking Mandi outside for some one-on-one. Basically, Jillian tells her to suck it up because of course this is hard.

We zoom back to Detroit. Carla is pissed that Joelle wasn't working all that hard at the ranch. She threatens Joelle with bodily harm. The lightbulb over Joelle's head may be flickering. Oops, it goes out as Joelle goes off. Whoa, they may come to blows. Other people are poking their heads into the gym. Watch out Bob, Carla's three times your size. He breaks out an f-bomb on Carla as he wishes Dr. Phillian were there instead of him. Heh, Jillian would've knocked one of them on their ass by now. I'd pay to see those three women face off.

Bob phones home. Are they icing their shins? Weird. Bob's new motto is "no excuses." Back with the silver chicks, Bob dishes up salad while Carla hammers on Joelle some more. Joelle looks she wants to smash her water glass over Carla's head. While Carla (and everyone) has some good points I'm starting to feel for Joelle. Until she uses the word "doocaca."

I tune them out. You know, I really don't care who a politician sleeps with as long as it's consensual and not with a minor. Just saying. My kickball team is decided in last place. The team photo is up and I look like a pasty blob. With a hat.

The contestants go to see Dr. Huizenga. Dane/Blaine (I can't tell them apart) was taking eight meds a day. Diabetic pills are gone. Cholesterol pills are gone. They're all gone. Seriously, within two weeks? I've got to rewind.... Prozac and Wellbutrin? Taking two antidepressants at once aside, he's just off them? I don't think so. Ron had ten pills a day plus insulin. He's down now to one plus a little insulin. A year's worth of his pills was $20,000+. Yikes.

Challenge time! Ooh, it's the jump rope contraption. I love this one. Jump over the beam, last person standing wins immunity. Tara immediately says she'll be the winner, rather unwisely as she later says she sucks at jumping rope. And they're off. Joelle breaks her bar on the first jump. So does Ron. Yes, physics works. Dan is out after two jumps. Helen at three. I'm cracking up. Black, purple, red, green, yellow and blue are still in it. Red goes down. The last person to win this challenge was Matt in season 2. He went 40 minutes and then on to win the whole show. Most are jumping with both feet. Filipe lands on the bar with both feet. It's 95 degrees during the challenge. Mandi says she could go all day, then breaks her bar. After 30 minutes it speeds up. Wow, they're coming up on two hours. Dane goes out. Kristin of the skunky hair and Tara are left at two hours and nearly 1,000 jumps. Tara watches Kristin like a hawk. Kristin goes out at two hours and nineteen minutes. Tara wins immunity then reveals her secret to staying in so long is she was throwing up a little in her mouth and then swallowing it. Uh, eww?

Last chance workout. Bob's back from Detroit, ready to put a whole week worth of workouts into one day. Gang up on Joelle time. Blaine comes to realize Jillian really is a sadist. Jillian has no problem with that. Bob makes Helen bench press him. I'm not sure whether I like Helen or not. Blaine pulls Jillian across the gym at quite a clip and he drags her right out the door and she flies down the steps. Heh. Did Mike get a haircut? I don't like Bastard Bob. I liked Yoga Bob better. Huh, apparently Nike doesn't want its logo shown as Jillian's feet are all fuzzed out.

Time for the weigh in. My dog hates the beeping of the scale and is threatening to jump me.

Green/Tara - 8 lbs. She has immunity so no percentage.
Pink/Helen - 6 lbs and she is happy. 2.53%.
Yellow/Mandi - 8 lbs for 3.27%.
Silver/Joelle - 6 lbs for 2.04%. Everyone makes a face, including Bob.
Blue/Filipe - 14 lbs. He is psyched, to say the least. 4.14% puts him in the lead so far.
Brown/Ron - 9 lbs. Mike - 11 lbs. Total percentage of weight lost is 2.68%.

I pause to beat on my dog. The beeping has really stressed her. I think she needs another furminating.

Black/Blaine - 12 lbs. Dane - 18 lbs. 4.21% edges out Filipe for the lead.
Red/Damien - 4 lbs. 1.13%.
Orange/Dan - He loses 15 lbs. 3.56% and he is safe from elimination.
Purple/Kristin - She needs more than 6 lbs to stay safe. I mute the beeping. And she did it with 7 lbs.

Damien and Joelle are below the yellow line and up for elimination. I'm guessing Joelle is going home to get her ass kicked by Carla. Joelle guesses so too. Bob agrees with both of us. Tara flat out asks Joelle if she wants to be here. Joelle hesitates and that is not lost on anyone else. Kristin says she'll be shocked if the vote goes against Damien. Spoiler? Let's see. They zoom through the vote, with three for Joelle until Black unexpectedly votes for Damien. Even Joelle looks perplexed. Tara votes for Damien. The look on Joelle's face. Mandi votes for Damien. Are they going to force a tie? It comes down to Dan, who votes for..... Damien. Huh. Joelle can't believe it and she starts to cry. Is this the beginning of the redemption of Joelle? Damien does, in his words, the walk of shame as his fridge goes dark.

Damien lost 30 lbs while at the ranch. Now, wow, they both look great as they go to do their engagement photos. Nicole has lost 76 lbs total. Damien, 74. They plan to be "super sexy" the next time we see them.

Since I am already super sexy, I'll sign off as --

--the CilleyGirl
Welcome to a new world, America.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Another season is upon us

Of The Biggest Loser, that is. Here's to hoping that this season there is no one as obnoxiously evil as Vicky. Or as obnoxiously obnoxious as Heba.

I'm coming in to Season 7 having just finished watching 24: Resurrection. So I may be in the mood to kill the contestants rather than just vote them off. In other news, Tony Almeida's not dead? Huh.

Okay, it's starting. Bob and Jillian are yelling at me not to sit there and watch ice cream while watching The Biggest Loser. Okey doke. Guess this is a good time to mention that in honor of the show tonight I had pizza and wings for dinner.

Eleven couples. Whoa, this guy is huge. Even for this show. And he looks bigger than the heaviest contestant (454 lbs) ever. I'm thinking it's the overalls.

Schmaltzy intro credits, check. Let's move on, shall we?

They're all coming to the ranch on a bus. It must have great shocks. Oldest couple looks like they may drop dead. Bob is in the running for bitch of the year. I liked his nice guy personality better. Maybe all the ink has gone to his brain. Hey, one gal looks like Oprah.

Silver team: Best friends Carla (36) and Joelle (41) are from Michigan. Sassy black women -- team "Get Gorgeous G Squared."

Blue team: Sione (29) and Filipe (27) are cousins, their parents are from Tonga where it's normal to be big. They live in Mesa, Arizona.

Orange team: North Carolina boys Daniel (19) and David (23) are also best friends. Daniel is the one who is the heaviest.

Yep, that bus is riding low.

White team: Estella (63) and Jerry (63) are grandparents and the oldest contestants ever. From Illinois.

Black team: Dane (28) and Blaine (28) are also cousins. One of them drinks milk out of a mason jar. Also from Mesa. And they're tall! Dane is 6'4", Blaine is 6'8".

Low bus!

Pink team: Shanon (29) and Helen (48) are daughter and mother. Nice sausage, honey. From Michigan.

Green team: Tara (23 - New York) and Laura (24 - Miami) are friends and former models. Heh, so Tara and Laura are only "friends", while the others are "best friends". Mrow!

Brown team: Ron (54) and Mike (18) are dad and son. More Michigan folks.

Purple team: Kristin (28) and Cathy (48) are daughter and mother. They're from Wisconsin.

Red team: From Brooklyn, NY, Nicole and Damien are engaged. They want to lose weight for their wedding.

Yellow team: Aubrey (28) and Mandi (30) are sisters. Hey, Aubrey is from Gooding, Idaho! Gooding is about ten minutes from where my grandparents and dad live. Mandi is from Boise.

First workout! Without their trainers. They have no clue. And the trainers are watching on CCTV. I would get on that treadmill and, well, walk. But fast.

Oh! Jerry's going down! Is he having a stroke? There he goes in an ambulance. Estella stays behind. The trainers are making him into an example.

Time to pick teams. Load 'em up with the big guys!

Jillian: White, Black, Green, Orange, and Yellow.

Bob: Silver, Blue, Red, Pink, Brown, and Purple.

And now off to the scale of DOOM.

But first, commercials. This doesn't bode well: a commercial for Providence Wellness Watch. All about risk factors for stroke. Does this mean no more Jerry?

White team: Weighing in by herself, Estella starts at 242 lbs.

Pink team: 540 lbs.

Purple team: 653 lbs. Kristin is at 360 lbs, the biggest woman ever by 62 lbs. She notes that's more than the size of a Green Bay Packer lineman.

Yellow team: 512 lbs. The tears start.

Red team: 650 lbs. I think I like the red team. They'll probably be voted off first.

Green team: 579 lbs. More tears!

Blue team: 736 lbs. Whoa.

Black team: The big boys are at 777 lbs. Whoa squared.

Brown team: 818 lbs.

Silver team: Yowza, they are big and sassy. 688 lbs. Oh, now Carla at 379 lbs is officially the heaviest woman ever on The Biggest Loser. Bet Kristin is happy to give up that title. Wonder if there's any pizza left?

Orange team: 847 lbs. Daniel is the heaviest person they've ever had at 454 lbs, and the heaviest team in Biggest Loser history.

While that was probably the fastest weigh in I've ever seen, let's move on to the drama, shall we?

Bob and Jillian administer beatings, beatings, beatings. Jillian does it in a gentler, kinder way.

Laura is losing it. Everyone is very supportive. Yeah, that'll change. Oops, clean up on treadmill 9! Body bugs make an appearance. I'd love to have one of those. How much do they cost? Oh, excuse me, bodybugg. Yikes! $250 to $350, depending on the options you get. Laura recovers well, though, she's emerging as one of my early favorites.

And Jerry is back! Yay! Everyone is very supportive. I give it til episode 3 before someone emerges as snarky, at the very least. Then again, I just checked out all the candidates again and only the Black team looks to be a possibility in that area so far. Maybe this is a gentler, kinder season? Vicky did leave a bad taste behind.

Moving on, it's challenge time. They're on a bridge. I'm acrophobic. Ooh, but there's a tractor. 250,000 lbs of sand too. And flags! Immunity is up for grabs.

It's Blue in the lead, Green and Black close behind. Yellow finishes first. Black second. Blue third. Green is fourth. Red is fifth. Top five teams move on. I sense potential tension in the Green team. Definitely some tension. Go Red! Black and Yellow go to the final heat. Go Yellow! It may be a photo finish... And it is a photo finish! Black wins. Darn.

Scary medical news time. Brown gets picked on first. Whoa. Ron had a gastric bypass and he's still huge. Pink is up next. Helen is a smoker, let's show her some gnarly lungs. Nope, it's biological age instead. She's 60. Well, hey, that's not too bad. Last season the one gal was really in her early 20s and her biological age was something like the 50s. Black in the hot seat now. Amazing how the fat squishes all the organs up. Maybe I should've done without the extra cheese on the pizza.

I've started the blood type diet for the new year. For my type, it emphasizes lean red meat, low carbs (mainly from fruits and veggies), no wheat, little dairy. I've been doing it for maybe four days now and I already feel markedly different. Almost no stomach or sinus problems, my chronic complaints. The pizza tonight was everything I'm supposed to be avoiding. Besides wanting leftovers for my bowling night on Thursday, I wanted to see how my body would do on the "avoid" foods, to give a realistic picture of whether it's really the diet that's making me feel better or if it's just the mindset.

Back to the show. No elimination tonight? Must be a catch. Bob and Jillian are with me on this. Yep, no elimination but nine of the contestants are going home. Huh? Well, that could work. One thing I don't really like about the couples version of the show is that everyone has a built in support/enabler system on campus. I think it works better for single contestants. That's when they make the real progress on the inside.

The scale of doom is on now. How have they done?

Black team: Lost 34 lbs. Since they have immunity, no percentage shown.

Silver team: Down 24 lbs for 3.49%.

Orange team: 46 lbs, including 30 lbs alone for Daniel. Of course, these are the guys who didn't bring their water bottles to work out. 5.43% moves them to the top.

Red team: His boobs are very perky. They lose 35 lbs, for 5.38%. One pound away from taking the lead. Darn.

White team: Don't pass out, Jerry! His starting weight was 369 lbs, which they did at the hospital. They need to have lost more than 33 lbs. Heh, 34 lbs! 25 of those were Jerry's. 5.56% puts them above the yellow line.

Blue team: More than 40 lbs is needed. Aww, 40 lbs exactly. 5.43% ties them with Orange, but they are below the yellow line.

Yellow team: Go Yellow! 25 lbs, which isn't enough to keep them above the line. 4.88% overall.

Purple team: Which we've barely seen so far. They need more than 36 lbs. And I've caught up to my DVR recording so now I have to sit through these commercials. Does Michael Flatley look like jerky to you too? Okay, we're back. 31 lbs. Everyone is happy. 4.75%. White remains on top. Jerry is flabbergasted. Don't pass out, Jerry!

Pink team: Sorry, ladies, but I have a hard time telling which one is the mom. More than 30 lbs is their goal. They didn't make it. 25 lbs, for 4.63%.

Green team: More than 32 lbs for them is needed. And they lost 34! Tara is happy she lost 21 lbs, but I think she's pissed Laura lost only 13. I'm guessing that if they do fall below the line, Laura is the one going home. 5.87% puts them in the top spot.

Brown team: The last to weigh in. More than 48 lbs is their goal. That's so huge, I bet they did it or made it within one. But first, commercials. Annnnnd we're back. Whoa, three sets of man boobs. On one man. Reminds me of when our dog was nursing puppies. Explains the overalls. Beep, beep, beep goes the scale. 54 lbs! I knew it. I've been watching this show too long. 6.60% puts them above the yellow line.

To recap, Black and Brown are both safe. Everybody else has to choose one member to go home. And another twist. After 30 days, if their teammate is still in the game they get to come back. Not a bad twist. For a change. Pizza and wings for everyone!

The couples are choosing. Everyone is I'll go, no I'll go. Silver is showing tension in the ranks. Guessing Jerry is going home. Or maybe he'll stay where he has close medical supervision. So, who did they choose?

Pink picks Shannon to leave. Helen stays.

Blue picks Sione to leave. Filipe stays.

Green has Laura going home. Called it! I think Tara could be a contender.

Aubrey goes for Yellow. Mandi stays. Nice ink.

Red has Nicole leaving and Damien staying. Damien can dead lift a lot of weight.

Orange chooses Daniel to stay and David is leaving.

Silver has Carla going home, which is a surprise. Joelle is staying.

Purple has bad blonde streaks in their hair. Mom Cathy leaves, Kristin the linebacker is staying.

White sends Estella home. Jerry stays with paramedics close by.

Everyone goes back to their lonely little rooms, except for Brown and Black. It's lights out!

Here's to a healthy new year for you all.

--the CG