Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My booty is sick

Sick, sick, sick. As in ill. I'm home sick as I type this, having just spoken to the advice nurse at the clinic to set up an afternoon appointment. Going on three weeks with this one. Last time it was over two months. No no no no no.

So let's go on to The Biggest Loser while I wait for my appointment, yes?

Big drama starts out this week, as the screen is black but for the words "At elimination, Jillian's team promised they would vote for Joelle.... ... they didn't."

People filter into the house. There are tears. Screams. Heh. Hey, crying loses weight people. Joelle is perhaps most stunned of all. Bob's team believes they voted to keep Joelle to drag down their team. Filipe says the game play is on. Helen says they have to take back their team. I'm cracking up.

Zoom around to the at-home players. Aubrey exercises as she watches The Biggest Loser. Laura shakes her booty at a nightclub. Sione is drowning in sweat at the gym. Dave is smoking and eating. Back at the ranch, Bob's team is in the gym. He is surprised to see Joelle. During the workouts he says he's found that change in Joelle and now he's singing her tune.

Blaine's wife is having a baby and he gets to go home. His weigh in will still count so he should curl the baby or something.

Out on a football field, Chef Curtis Stone is there to teach the players how to cook healthy Super Bowl snacks. He is very cute and very Australian. I'd vote to eat him. The players have to guess how many calories are in favorite football day snacks. The person who gets the closest to without going over gets Curtis to teach them how to cook these snacks healthy. Again, I vote for eating Curtis. He looks delicious. There is also a 2 lb pass for their partner's weigh in when they return at stake. It's chicken wings with ranch dressing and celery sticks. I think it's 800 calories. Daniel agrees with me. It's 991 calories and Dan and me win. Next is bread bowl with chili and sour cream. I guess 600 calories. Tara plays Price is Right and says 1. It's 1,165. Kristin is closest. The last one is seven layer dip. Oh lord, 3,000? Yummy Curtis gives the answer -- 1,755. Helen wins.

Dan, Kristin and Helen get a cooking lesson from tasty Curtis. Allison has the winners guess how many calories are in one serving of the chicken skewers Curtis has made. I guess 300. It's 230 and Dan wins. Ah, he also wins the 2 lb pass. Dave needs it. Curtis wings off to Dave's place. Dave answers the door in his orange t-shirt. Uh huh. Dave can't cook and he reveals he's been eating crap. I want to lick Curtis like a tootsie roll. Is he wearing eyeliner? At Wal-Mart, where there's nobody there?? they shop. Dave has never been in a produce section. Even I can't suspend this much disbelief and I tune out the rest of the session. I fantasize about Curtis instead.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bob's team has to jump on boxes. Blaine's wife has another boy. Lift that baby!

Challenge time. The players all have really cute jerseys in their team colors. I want one! Tara wants to get a hat trick in challenges. Curt Warner is today's guest star. Filipe is psyched. Curt is cute but not as lickable as Curtis. Curt believes anything is possible, but I'm still not licking him. Immunity is up for grabs. Footballs into bins. Five balls and you're out. Last one standing wins. Filipe is first out. Tara is next. There goes Dane. Dane really has a problem with being beat by a girl. It gets down to Joelle and Helen and Helen wins. Her kid is definitely coming back. More tears.

Product placement. I guess Quaker was ditched? I'd love to see Jillian do one of these. By the way, where has Jillian been this week?

Blaine is back. Aww, the baby is so cute in a Biggest Loser onesie.

Last chance workout. There's Jillian. Sort of. It looks like stock footage. Bob has on sparkly spandex. Okey dokey. Now I'm hungry. Where did I put that Curtis? Last chance for everyone to bring back their partners. Dan's going to yak. Jillian beats on him. He takes a hard hit on the treadmill. Dr. Phillian comes out. He makes it.

And we're off to weigh in. The redemption of Joelle continues. The partners return. I guess to be there in person when they find out which of their teammates didn't get it done. Dan looks a little pissed seeing Dave. I have to man the mute button to keep my dog from freaking out at the scale beeping so I'll just summarize: Helen puts up a good number. Ron's six pack of man boobs continue to frighten and they may not be back. Black has good numbers but is it enough? Jillian hawks gum in the trainer tip. It amuses me and I start to cough. Stupid cold. Filipe squeaks by to bring back Sione and there are man hugs. Tara blows her number out of the water and Laura is back. Kristin's mom checks out her ass and approves but Kristin may be eliminated. I hope Kristin gets to makeover week to fix that hair. Mandi brings Aubrey back. Jillian's beatings were not enough for Dan although he does get below 400. Brown is up for elimination. Kristin is safe and Cathy is back.

It's now Joelle's turn and she gets her own paragraph in case Carla murders her right on the scale. Joelle must lose more than eight pounds. America holds its breath. Carla is optimistic. Or happy at the prospect of killing. She could have a machete under that shirt. I can't tell. Joelle does it! She loses ten pounds. Carla thanks her. It could be for not leaving her open to a charge of murder two. Again, I can't tell. I love her earrings though. She could slit a throat with them. Joelle's triumph pushes Dan below the yellow line. There are more man hugs. I think Bob and Jillian have the same watch.

Brown son Mike talking heads. Apparently if you're older and fat you are less deserving. Ron pleads their case and takes the blame. Does he know his son would toss him to the wolves? Tears all around. Dan pleads his case. Lined up behind him is a whole lot of Extra gum. And some cough syrup. Dave chimes in but I don't think he's helping things. He doesn't want to be there and I think everyone knows it. I predict Orange will take the fall tonight.

Elimination room. I can't tell if my boobs are smaller or saggier. Should I have yogurt and a banana or chinese for lunch? Tara is pissed that Dave doesn't want to be there. She votes for Brown to torture Dave. I laugh and cough. The vote is tied (duh). It's down to Blue and Filipe. Filipe thinks Dave is an ungrateful little shit head. He sends Orange home. Poor Dan. Dave screwed him. I vote that the contestants kick Dave's ass.

In the exit interview, Dave lies his ass off. Back at home, wow, Dan looks great. He looks half his size. Dave has quit smoking and looks like he's lost maybe 40 lbs. Ass. Dan is off his diabetes meds. I'm right, Dave has lost only 46 lbs. He plans on shocking America at the finale. I bet it's by gaining weight. Dan has lost 101 lbs.

Next week, the at-home players weigh in. Mike vows to step it up. I'm off to eat something.

--the sick CilleyGirl

No comments: