Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The Gut got the boot

I didn't watch the DwtS results show last night. As I said previously, I'm just not all that in to this season and the results shows are always 55 minutes of filler and five minutes of stuff worth watching (unless Barry Manilow is the musical guest, then I'm all over it). But apparently I missed one of the best shows in a long time. For those not into the show, Steve Guttenberg's partner Anna was extremely sick over the past week, so her husband Jonathan, also a pro dancer but voted off first, stood in for her in teaching the Gut the tango. They showed some little snippets of it during Monday's clips. On each results show, the judges pick the dance they liked the best from the night before to do an encore performance. This time they wanted to see the "mango" -- the tango with Steve and Jonathan performing it. I guess it was great; they played it straight (heh, no pun intended) for the most part. In the end, though, the Gut got the boot. I'm hoping he starts hanging out with Kenny Mayne as the latest member of the Dance Center team.

There were also otters on last night's show. I think the universe is behind my zoo plans for the weekend.

So, on to other bloggy things.

I'm having a hard time keeping my focus on my health. I'm within two pounds of a preliminary goal of mine. I feel like if I can get below this number that I can truly succeed in this. And I can't get there. Work's been stressful and with the early onset of spring allergy season I haven't been sleeping well and it frequently turns into insomnia. Of course, if I would remember to refill my rozerem prescription I'd have a better time of it, but I only seem to remember at 1:00 a.m. when I've been trying to sleep for three hours.

Last night I tried to distract myself from not being able to sleep by picturing myself at my goal weight. How I'd look. What I'd wear. I couldn't do it. I couldn't see beyond where I am right now. I couldn't even think of an old photo of myself that I could build on.

I've also been too focused on guys. The Boy. A couple other fantasies I've had. Thinking about how nice it would be to be part of a couple again, to have someone else who cares if I'm happy or sad or even home. Someone who gives me hugs and smootchies other than my gay stylist Brian. My pets care (and give hugs and smootchies), but it's just not the same thing.

Anyhow, the possibility that another part of my life might click into place has made other things, like my health, seem less important, less urgent. But that's not the case. I made significant choices in the past (where to go to college, what career to choose, where to go to law school) because of other people who turned out to be transitory in my life or otherwise just not worth that level of regard. I can't live my life that way. In the end, I'm the most important person in my life. I have to be. Because while I've been willing to share that position with others, so far no one else has.

Well, I know how to bring down a room, don't I?

Long story short (too late!), I need to find a way to remember why I'm doing this, what I want from it, what I need from it. Will everything else in my life click into place when I reach my goal weight? Probably not. And I'm okay with that. One thing at a time.

Sweet dreams,
the not always so CilleyGirl

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